Cycling
has benefited from never having been a hot topic for our elected officials in Washington.
With
the exception of former President George W. Bush's mountain bike exploits and
an occasional mention in the Federal Transportation Act, we've been able to
pedal along peacefully on the bike of our choice while staying under the
federal government's radar.
We
hope it stays that way - the last thing we need is Washington trying to 'improve' cycling.
Given
the way that people in Washington think, they would probably decide that the currently
Such
a law might even include requiring every person in the United States to purchase and ride an approved bike that meets
minimum standards set by the government.
That
law, of course, would be the Affordable Bicycle Act.
Under
the current system, cyclists have the freedom to purchase any bike they choose,
and - they get to keep their existing bikes if they want.
Non-cyclists
or people on a tight budget can even opt out of owning a bike.
However,
based on recent precedents, there might be Washington officials who feel that having the freedom to
choose (or not choose) what bike to ride is simply un-American.
They
might even argue that most cyclists don't own the ideal bike for all types of
riding, that there are people who can't afford a good bicycle, and that some
people even refuse to own or ride a bicycle.
A
government official could view those issues as justification for a
comprehensive government overhaul of everything related to bicycles, starting
with the bike's design.
Because
of the current unregulated-by-the-government bicycle industry, cyclists who
ride both on and off-road must purchase at least two bikes.
They
need an anorexic skinny-tire bike for road cycling and a chunky fat-tired bike
with suspension for pedaling over mountain bike trails.
In
addition, a super-aerodynamic two-wheeled airfoil is needed for time trials and
triathlons, a 'road bike on steroids' is required for cyclocross events, a
beefy pack mule bike is a must for long distance touring, and some cyclists may
even need a fixed-gear city bike or a high-handlebar-with-a front-basket campus
cruiser.
An
Affordable Bicycle Act could, in Washington's mind, address those issues by requiring the
bicycle industry to design and sell only three categories of bike and equipment
'bundles' (Gold, Silver, and Bronze).
All
three bike bundles would center around a government-designed bicycle to ensure
that the bike is suitable for all types of riding (road, mountain, cyclocross,
touring, city riding, etc.).
The
government-approved bike frame would be a 'step-through' unisex design to
accommodate both male and female cyclists who might choose to ride in spandex
shorts, skirts, or even kilts, and all frames would have a hitch mount for a
pull-behind non-motorized lawn mower.
Current
bicycles that do not meet government design criteria would be outlawed.
In
addition, all approved bicycle bundles would be required by law to include a
heart rate monitor, power meter, free professional-level coaching for the
Ironman triathlon, Race Across America, and the World Downhill Mountain Bike
Championships, and bike route maps for the entire United States.
Gold
Level bikes would be outfitted with a full range of accessories to include
front and rear suspension, electronic shifting, aero bars, multiple wheels and
tires for the various types of riding, multiple seats to fit a wide range of
posteriors, and accessories such as aero helmets and different shoe/pedal
combinations.
Consumers
who purchased the Gold Level bikes would have very few additional out-of-pocket
expenses since all imaginable accessories would be included with their
bicycle.
Silver
and Bronze level bikes would be based on the same unisex all-terrain frame
design but would include fewer accessories - consumers would have to spend more
out-of-pocket money to purchase the add-on items.
All
bicycles would be purchased on-line through a government-run web site known as
the National Bicycle Marketplace, with privately-owned bike shops restricted to
providing government-approved repair services.
Reimbursement
to bike shops for repair services would be based on pre-determined 'BikeCare'
fees established by a government agency.
The
Affordable Bicycle Act would also make the standardized-design bikes available
to everyone regardless of income via grants from the federal government, paid
for by new fees imposed on the emission-producing automobiles, motorized lawn
mowers, and barbeque grills.
Federal
tax returns would include a Bicycle Credit Worksheet that calculates free bike
grant eligibility based on the state where you live, annual income, number of
family members who can ride without training wheels, and if your employer provide
bicycles for employees.
A
new cabinet-level 'bicycle czar' position would be created to manage the
Federal Bicycle Agency, overseeing functions such as the National Bicycle
Marketplace and coordinating with other agencies such as the NSA to gather data
on non-compliant cyclists.
The
Bicycle Agency would also manage information kiosks placed in malls to help
citizens select an appropriate 'bicycle plan' and to fill out the free bike
grant paperwork.
Cyclists
who continued to ride non-compliant bikes or non-cyclists who did not own a
bicycle would be subject to an annual 'No Approved Bike' penalty. However,
elected officials, government workers, union members, and climate change
researchers would all be exempt from the 'purchase a bike' requirement.
Luckily,
the federal government has too many other important things to regulate so
cycling could remain unscathed for years to come.
Let's
keep it that way - simple, fun, healthy, and unregulated.
Upcoming Events
Mar 8: Trail running series #3, roadlizards.org
Mar 22: Crazy Desert Trail Race, roadlizards.org
Mar 22: Steam-N-Wheels cycling race and tour, Abilene, bikereg.com/Net/steam-n-wheels
April 5: Bikes for Trykes cycling tour, eventbrite.com/contact-organizer?eid=10199820939
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